A Romantic Tale
by Dickie Is God
Summary: Harry finally sees the person of his dreams. . .in a bikini. Who is this one he loves? Does the crush like someone else? RR!


**Part 1: The Chronicles of Harry, Severus, and Dumbledore. Love Triangle.**

**Written by: **DickieIsGod

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Harry Potter was a special boy. He was seemingly the only person who could defeat the Dark Lord Voldemort, with a lightening-shaped scar on his forehead as proof of his expeditions and brushes with danger. But he also had a secret...he was gay. And he harboured a crush on, of all people, his potions professor, Severus Snape. Little did Harry know, that secretly he had another looking his way, a certain elderly, bearded wizard who had a crush on Harry.

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It was January, and the cold was biting. Harry Potter was walking through the corridors down to the Potions lab, already late for class because he slept late. All of a sudden, he dropped his books, tripping over something.He grunted, picking up his glasses off the ground and putting them back on. He began to gather his books and realized he was another minute late. When he turned around to see what he had slipped on, it was a used condom.

"Alas! I tripped on a condom! Maybe this is a sign from the deceased Sirius that great things are to happen in the future! I should keep this!" Harry exclaimed, picking the condom up and placing it safely in his pocket. He patted his pocket with a sigh and strode the rest of the way to the potions lab, only to fall all the way down the stairs. In fact, he fell so violently that his entire body was flung off every stair. When he got to the door he banged his head on it, causing a large bump to form there. He entered the room with a dazed expression, completely unaware of all the stares he was getting.

"Mister Potter! WHAT do you think you're doing walking in here, late, as if you will get no punishment and---" But Snape was cut off by Harry's slurs. He sounded like he was drunk.Then, to Harry's great suprise, he noticed that every single person in the room was crossdressing. Well, actually, the girls were all wearing feathered cigar boxes. Harry's eyes bulged in suprise. Snape was wearing a bikini! His pot belly rolled out of the bikini in succulent tenderness, his man-boobs filling out the top.

"What are you goggling at?!" Snape screeched. "Is this outfit not fit for me?!" Harry was so sickened he was ready to throw up. All feelings for Snape immediately disappeared. Then, everybody in the room started whispering. Harry took out the condom as Snape advanced on him. He put his hands in the cross shape.

"STAY BACK YOU!" Harry yelled. He all of a sudden felt something in his pocket, and when he stuck his hand there he pulled out a sword! "AHA!" He exclaimed and then stuck the condom back in his pocket. All of a sudden Snape took a giant badger out of his bum and pointed it at Harry. "AHA!" He yelled back. By now, all the giant cigar boxes had come loose and were dancing around the room. All the girls were now wearing jam jars. Harry was so unfocused that Snape hit him over the head with the badger.

"OW!" Harry screamed, rubbing his forehead furiously, where the bump had now tripled in size. The cigar boxes looked disgusted, as the bump was now developing a nose and eyes and a mouth. Hair was beginning to sprout also! Oh, the horror!

"OH, GOD DAMN IT!" The bump screamed, Harry swinging his sword at the badger. He hit the badger but the sword only bounced off! Harry was shocked! Snape laughed, dancing around the room holding the badger, his rolls of fat bobbing up and down. It was only then that they heard the door open. When everyone turned around, they saw Dumbledore wearing...

_A TARZAN OUTFIT!_

_AND A THONG!_

Draco Malfoy Avada Kedavra'ed himself. Ronald Weasley threw himself inside a bubbling cauldron. Hermione Granger ate her homework! ::collective gasp:: Pretty soon, there was chaos. Pandemonium broke out in the room and everyone was screaming and panicking. Harry tried to get away from the horrifying sight only to feel Dumbldore's hand on his shoulder, his flabby under-arms flapping unpleasantly. Dumbledore pulled the condom out of Harry's pocket and grinned so big his yellowing teeth were showing gruesomely.

"I've been saving this for you," Dumbledore said with a wink. Harry screamed at the top of his lungs and ran out of the room, towards the lake to go drown himself. Dumbledore hobbled after him, all of a sudden wacking anyone in his way with a cane made out of metal, cracking the jam jars of all the girls. The entire school was severely troubled and scarred and disturbed for life after seeing Dumbledore in that outfit.

"Wait up, there, Harry! My old legs can't run that fast!" He screamed. Just then, as he was crossing the Great Hall, Pansy Parkinson came out of nowhere and threw a large net over Dumbledore's body. The old man tripped over himself, asking politely for help from someone. No one had the courage to go near her, so Pansy bribed Millicent Bullstrode to drag the netted man onto Hagrid's seat at the staff table. The giant didn't notice the old man struggling to get away.

"NOOOOOOOO! I'M STILL A VIRGIN! HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" He pleaded. Then Hagrid sat on him and the biggest fart any of them had ever heard resounded over the hall. It was so loud it woke up people in Iceland.

"Sorry. Di'nt mean ter do that..." Hagrid mumbled. Dumbledore died from a broken back and severe lung poisoning from Hargrid's massive fart. Harry, still running from the crazy old geyser, found solace in the arms of his new lover the Giant Squid, whose name was really Martha Betty Anne, and his bump invented a new language while touring CandyLand. And that was the end of that.

::TO BE CONTINUED!::

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**_So, tell me what you think. I liked it...hahahaha_**

**-DickieIsGod-**


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